15 BEST HINTS ABOUT LIFE.....

15 Very Best of Hints for Life" vinnineville

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying. 

12.  Live with no excuses and love with no regrets 

13. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.  

14. At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
     At age 12 success is having friends.
     At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
     At age 20 success is having sex.
     At age 35 success is having money.
     At age 50 success is having money.
     At age 60 success is having sex.
     At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
     At age 75 success is having friends.
     At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

15. Life's Highs...

1. Laughing hysterically
2. Dancing your heart out
3. Star gazing
4. Shopping
5. Going to the beach
6. Listening to the rain
7. Ice-cream on a hot day
8. Feeling wanted
9. Getting that warm, fuzzy feeling when you think about the one you love
10. Receiving text messages
11. Personal jokes
12. Compliments
13. Late night phone calls
14. Christmas
15. Hugs
16. Kisses
17. Knowing someone misses you
18. Knowing someone is thinking of you
19. Good dreams
20. Skipping school for a day
21. Lying on the grass starring into the sky
22. Going up to the snow
23. Jumping into a warm bed on a cold night
24. Seeing your guys/girls name on your mobile when it rings
25. Your first kiss
26. Talking for hours about absolutely nothing
27. Looking back on the laughs
28. Receiving presents
29. Giving presents
30. Birthdays
31. Air conditioning when it's hot
32. Being full of energy
33. Seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend
34. Watching someone do something stupid, and them thinking no one saw
35. Nice smelling perfume/cologne/deodorant
36. Good hair days
37. Turning on the radio to hear that your favourite song is being played
38. Running into an old friend
39. Strolling along the pier at night
40. Finding Ksh100 on the ground
41. Being home alone
42. Reading a good magazine
43. Sun baking
44. Sleeping in
45. Watching the sun come up
46. Seeing a shooting star
47. Waking up to find the person you love in your arms
48. Weekends
49. Holidays
50. Jumping on a trampoline
51. Sitting infront on the fire on a cold evening
52. Smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
53. Singing into your hairbrush in your room
54. Getting away with something.
55. Turning up your sterio as loud as it will go
56. Being so happy it makes you cry
57. Demonstrating with a huge group
58. Finally completing somthing you started a long time ago
58. Achieving a long time goal
59. Warm nights
60. Falling in love...

 

PROMULGATION D-DAY

VINNIEVILLE D -DAY

• Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak … sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go....KATIBA MZEE....
• God grant us the PEOPLE OF THE REPUBLIC OF KENYA the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
• Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.    
• The road to success is not straight. There is a curb called Failure, a loop called Confusion; speed bumps called Friends; red lights called Enemies;caution lights called Family. You will have flats called jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination; an engine called Perseverance; insurance called Faith, and a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success!!..THE NEW KENYA....BRANDS ITSELF CROSS THE SKY IN BRIGHT COLOURS... 
  
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging......
• In the eyes of a child you will see...the world as it should be...
• Many people have ideas on how others should change; few people have ideas on how they should change. 
• "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." WHERE IS KENYA HEADED TO????
• I've learned-
  That you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them that no matter how much I care, some people just don't came back.
  I've learned-
  That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
  I've learned -
  That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you better know something. That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
  I've learned-
  That it's taking me a long time to become the person that I want to be. That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
  I've learned-
  That you can keep going long after you can't. That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
  I've learned-
  That either you control your attitude or it controls you. That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is a first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
  I've learned-
  That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
  I've learned-
  That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones to help you get back up.
  I've learned-
  That sometimes when I get angry I have the right to be angry, but it doesn't give me the right to be cruel. That true friendship continues to grow over the longest distance, and the same goes for true love.
  I've learned-
  That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
  I've learned-
  That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what tragedy it would be if they believed it. That no matter how good your friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.
  I've learned-
  That it isn't always good enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you must learn to forgive yourself. That no matter how bad a heart is broken; the world doesn't stop for your grief.
  I've learned-
  That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become. That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
  I've learned-
  That we don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change. That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
  I've learned-
  That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
  I've learned-
  That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
  ¢¾that the people you care about the most in life are taken from you too soon ¢¾
  I've learned-
  That it¡¯s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting someone¡¯s feelings or standing up for what you believe. That no matter what happens to me on earth or how much my faith falters, God's faith in me never dwindles or fails.
  I've learned-
  That life's lessons never end and wisdom can always be passed on.
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• TO ALL KENYANS LAZIMA...."WE BE THE CHANGE WE WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD...!!"
• TUKO MBELE....JAMAA
•  
• VINNIE KERICH.....

Vinnie Kerich Birthday Specials

Hi....This is a dedication to all my friends...as I grow older...!!!.. I hope u understand that u guys mean a world to me, I appreciate every one of you, I treasure our FRIENDSHIP..!!!!..N LUV U.....Mnanifeel sio??

1. A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws. 
2. When we first talked to each other
   I knew we would always be friends.
   Our friendship has kept on growing
   And I'll be here for you to the end.
   
   You listen when I have a problem
   And help dry the tears from my face.
   You take away my sorrow
   And put happiness in its place.
   
   We can't forget the fun we've had
   Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
   Talking of things only we find funny
   People think we're insane-If they only knew!
   
   I guess this is my way of saying thanks
   For catching me when I fall.
   Thanks once again for being such a good friend
   And being here with me through it all.  
3. A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.
4. "If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile... But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me." 
5. It's the times we're so crazy,
   that people think we're high.
   It's the times we laugh so hard,
   we can't help but cry.
   It's all the inside jokes
   and "remember whens".
   those are all the reasons
   that we're best friends! 
6. The words that escape a friend's mouth are "I'll be there when you say you need me" but the words that are unheard from a true friend's heart are "I'll be there... whether you say you need me or not." 
7. Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end. 
8. Friends ' Best Friends
   
   Friend: calls your parents by mr. and mrs.
   Best friend: calls your parents by their first names.
   
   Friend: has never seen you cry
   Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
   
   Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
   Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
   
   Friend: asks you to write down your number.
   Best friend: they ask you for their number
   (cuz they can't remember it!)
   
   Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
   Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
   
   Friend: only knows a few things about you
   Best friend: could write a biography on your life story
   
   Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
   Best friend: will always go with you
9. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. 
10. "When it hurts to look back, and you're afraid to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."

    FRIENDSHIP ... NEVA ENDS.. 

Yours Joel Simel Tumpes.....!!!

Referendum with love...... Now check it out..!!!

"WHAT EACH KISS MEANS"
- Kiss on the Forehead: We're cute together .
- Kiss on the Cheek: We're friends.
- Kiss on the Hand: I adore you.
- Kiss on the Neck: I want you, now.
- Kiss on the Shoulder: Your perfect.
- Kiss on the Lips: I LOVE YOU...
____________________________________________________
WHAT EACH GESTURE MEANS:
- Holding Hands: We definitely like each other.
- Holding you tight pressed against each other: I want you.
- Looking into each other's Eyes: I like you, for who you are.
- Playing with Hair: Let's fool around.
- Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.
- Laughing while Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.
____________________________________________________
ADVICE:
- If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely
in Love......As in 4 Real!!!!
____________________________________________________
REQUIREMENTS:
- Add this to ur favorites after reading!!
Or you will have a bad year of Relationships.
____________________________________________________
IF YOU (LIKE), (LOVE), OR (MISS) SOMEONE RIGHT NOW:
- and can't get them out of your head.
- then add this to ur favorites within One Minute and Whoever you are missing
will surprise you.
____________________________________________________

...... then this morning I received this email....

"Last night i sent an angel to watch over u while u were sleeping. It came back early and i asked it why? Its said "Angels don't watch other Angels".......!!!! ....I think my boss is the only one who doesn't see......!!!?

_______________________________________________________________________________

JOEL TUMPES

Wasee wote I got an Announcement to make........

Joel Tumpes...Mr. Chairman.....Running for MP Kajado North 2012....Wasee wote yaani...we need you to show your sincere support and Love...Huyu ni Boy Wetu...Hausio...????

Facebook......Joel Simel Tumpes

____________________________________________________________________________________

Okay and lastly.. I was just thinkin'.. as Ruto said...the YES HAVE HAD THEIR WAY while the NO HAVE HAD THEIR SAY......but lets face it, we heard yo, right....do you think Kibaki 'll give you guys a chance...!!! ?????
 ____________________________________________________

Vinnieville Jokes.... 

Was Just wondering...Na hii weekend vipi imenianzia na Homa...!!!!..But..

1. Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.  
2. People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege. 
3. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."  
4. Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? 
5. The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water  
6. Random things that are useless.....But Facts and its gonna keep you thinkin'.....
   *Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why.
   *Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
   *We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime.
   *Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different.
   *Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people
   *A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day
   *In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum
   *"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
   *A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
   *Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.
   *Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants.
   *The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
   *111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
   *The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
   *The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet.
   *If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow.
   *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
   *Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
   *40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.
   *Most toliets flush in E-flat.
   *It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
   *The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
   *In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
   *A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
   *The longest one-syllable word is "screeched."
   *Frowning burns more calories than smiling.
   *1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.
   *The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
   *The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.
   *If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
   *A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.
   *Children grow faster in the spring.
   *On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
   *Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
   *A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour.
   *Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.
   *A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephants butt.
   *The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin.
   *Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
   *On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
   *On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
   *Red is the most commonly colored vehical involved in accidents each year.
   *The swastika was origionaly a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.
   *Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
   *Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
   *In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
   *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
   *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
   *Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes
7. Girl: Will you remember me in an hour?
   Guy: yes
   Girl: a day?
   Guy: yes
   Girl: a year?
   Guy: yes
   Girl: Eternity?
   Guy: yes
   Girl: Knock knock
   Guy: who's there?
   Girl: i thought you said youd remember me.... 
8. what's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives girls crazy?.......................................................................... MONEY!!! 
9. Arms are for hugging
   Boys are for kissing
   Sluts are for dissing
   And best friends are for
   when the boy is kissing
   the slut and all you really
   need is that hug 
10. Don't drink and drive--smoke and fly 
11. It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge... 
12. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." 
13. "We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."  
14. If you saw a sign with a red button below it and the sign read " Do not push button". Would you push the button???
 

Just the very best of UR Lawyer Jokes......

All lawyer reading this..!!am just a Comic...!!Anyway just try to laugh..!!!

Lawyer Jokes

1. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
   A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
2. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
   A good start!
3. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
   His lips are moving.
4. How does an attorney sleep?
   First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
5. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
   Just say "Fees!"
6. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
   "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
   "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
   "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
   "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
7. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
   A: Senator/ MP
8. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
   A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
9. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
   A: Your honor.
10. Lawyer and Engineer
    A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Migingo Island when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
    "That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
    There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
11. Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
    A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
    "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
    "This is unfair!" cried the minister.
    "Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."
12. Two Kinds of Lawyers
    There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
13. Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
    A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Vinnieville Lawyer jokes

Just alot more of the Vinnieville Jokes...!!

1. The important thing is not winning, it's making everyone else lose. 
   
2. u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!! 
   
3.  "An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
   
   As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and Announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
   
   On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
   
   She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
   
   To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
   Tray-up, Bi***."
4. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
5. You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. 
   
6. "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." 
7. Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol. 
8. Ever noticed how all women's problems begin with men?
   MENtal illness....MENstrual cramps... MENtal breakdown... MENopause... GUYnocologist ! 
9. There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together. 
10. Relieving Stress in Class
    
    1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
    2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
    3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
    4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
    5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
    6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
    7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
    8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
    9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
    10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
    11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
    12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
    13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.  
11. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
    * Show up naked ...
    * Bring food ...
    * Don't block the TV 
12. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
    * Wine her,
    * Dine her,
    * Call her,
    * Hug her,
    * Support her,
    * Hold her,
    * Surprise her,
    * Compliment her,
    * Smile at her,
    * Listen to her,
    * Laugh with her,
    * Cry with her,
    * Romance her,
    * Encourage her,
    * Believe in her,
    * Pray with her,
    * Pray for her,
    * Cuddle with her,
    * Shop with her,
    * Give her jewelry,
    * Buy her flowers,
    * Hold her hand,
    * Write love letters to her,
    * Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
13. How To Annoy People On An Airplane
    
    1. Act like a movie star.
    2. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna. (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question.)
    3. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).
    4. Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
    5. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
    6. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
    7. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
    8. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra.
    9. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.
    10. Call the stewardess "nurse".
    11. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
    12. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
    13. Disco dance in the aisle.
    14. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face.
    15. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone.
    16. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die.
    17. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
    18. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
    19. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.
    20. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
    21. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
    22. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
    23. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
    24. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
    25. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
    26. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.
    27. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
    28. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends.
    29. Moon passing Delta planes.
    30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
    31. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
    32. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
    33. Pretend you're flying the plane.
    34. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
    35. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning.  
14. 30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know
    1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are
    2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a
    LOSER.
    3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
    4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
    5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
    6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reasons we're going out with you.
    7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
    8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
    9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
    think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
    10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
    11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
    12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
    13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe
    us.
    14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet
    Boys, NSYNC,98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
    15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go
    pee.
    16. Just cause you think you're always right,
    doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
    17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for
    you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
    18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
    19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,
    cause you might get what you wish for.
    20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
    21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
    22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyways
    23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
    24. PMS is not an excuse.
    25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're
    done you should put it up when you're done.
    26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was.
    That doesn't turn us on.
    27. And remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.. and maybe..oh nevermind.
    28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be
    that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong
    29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
    30. And last but not least: We know you're not
    always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway. 
15. Life is like a d***
    when it gets hard
    F*** IT!
16. If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.
17. it goes in dry,
    it comes out wet,
    the longer its in,
    the better it gets,
    when it comes out,
    it drips and sags,
    ............................
    U R NASTY ......stop thinking .........
    it's a tea bag!
18. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
    glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big
    as it needs to be.
19. 18 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter (i.e. You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
    
    1) Get the copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
    2) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
    3) Bring cheerleaders.
    4) Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
    5) On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
    6) Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
    7) Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
    8) Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
    9) Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
    10) Turn in the eam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
    11) Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks you why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
    12) Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
    13) Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
    14) From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
    15) One word: Wrestlemania.
    16) Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
    17) Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc . . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
    18) Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the secion on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so.".
20. WhEn A mAn TaLkS dIrTy To A wOmAn, ItS sExUaL hArAsSmEnT, wHeN a WoMaN tAlKs DiRtY tO a MaN, iT's $3.95 PeR mInUtE
    
     

vinnieville space: Amazing Jokes....Its Vinnieville Park....

vinnieville space: Amazing Jokes....Its Vinnieville Park....

VINNIEVILLE

Amazing Jokes....Its Vinnieville Park....

Your Jokes... Your happiness, Brightens Your Life...Everyday....

The Best Humor Quotes...VINNIEVILLE 4G...... 

Laughter is a real tonic . . . to laugh literally lifts the spirits . . . many things make me laugh . . . I have laughed so hard that I have been in tears and thought I could laugh no more and then been taken beyond . . . you’ve heard of the phrase “wet yourself with laughter” . . . I’ll say no more! :wink: I find all sorts of things amusing . . . usually those things that I don’t see coming, rather than a joke with an obvious punchline . . . perhaps a comment that can be taken in a way that it was not originally intended . . . and I love comedy films. I often find that something tickles me so much I am giggling away for hours about the same thing! I think it is something to do with having a good imagination! Keep smiling...Vinnie kerich

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???






The Guys Rules.....

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.






Some things are Way more important than anything else.
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.






KenyaPoly Student on Hell Issue

The following is an actual question given on a Kenya Poly University College, Aeronautical engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned






15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir,

but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!


LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb


Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

*Hi. Now YOU say something.

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.


So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face"


Always Keep UR Condoms in the car..
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Heaven I Need a Hug Lyrics - R Kelly
Dear mama, you wouldn't believe what I'm goin' through
But still I got my head up just like I promised you
Ever since you left your baby boy's been dealin with
problem after problem, tell me what am I supposed to do
See, I get lost sometimes, don't understand this place
Look in the mirror sometimes and see a troubled face
And then my tears roll down and hit the sink
Then I hold my head up high, I hope the Man upstairs can hear my cry
All these questions deep inside my mind
Like, if Jesus loved me, why'd he leave my side, mama
I'm still tryin to get the answer why
You were young, 45, and you had to die
I'm always tryin' to help people out
And it's them same people tryin' to take food out my mouth

(Fo' real though) It seems like the more money I make
(Fo' real though) The more drama y'all try to create
(Fo' real though) The more I try to move into the positive
(Fo' real though) The more y'all don't wanna let me live

When will you realize that I don't owe you nothin'
Need to get up off your butt and go get your own somethin'
I'm pullin on my hair to keep from snappin' off
Who's right up in my camp and be yappin' off
Somebody out there please pray what I'm talkin' 'bout
Still young tryin' to figure it out

Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me, wet me with your love
I need you to take me and lift me up, oh yeah

I gave thirteen years of my life to this industry
Hit song or not, I've given all of me
You smile in my face and tell me that you love
But then before you know the truth, you're so quick to judge me
That's alright, go ahead, keep talkin'
Cause, cause I'mma hold my head up high and keep walkin
And reach for the sky, focus on the plan
Rescue the ghetto with this paper and pen
And this is for the homies that we lost
Yo', we cannot forget y'all, so the hats come off
We pour a little liquor out for the memory
I know y'all up there sittin' on chrome in them pearly streets
The street survivors, be careful, stay alive
I'm prayin' for your families, I hope you pray for mine

(Fo' real though) Used to be a time you wished me well
(Fo' real though) It hurts to know you wanna see me fail
(Fo' real though) And don't forget I kept you out of jail
(Fo' real though) Where was my arms when you needed to be held

They turn they backs on you, who was they're believin'
Who said your troubles were only for a season
In church together tryin' to pick up all the pieces
And now you betray me, I bind you in the name of Jesus
somebody please pray on what I'm talkin' 'bout
Still young tryin' to figure it all out

Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
(Please shower down)
So shower down on me, wet me with your love (Yeah)
I need you to take me and lift me up, (Oh...oh...yeah,yeah,yeah)

Man I tell you it's enough to make you wanna give it up
Thank God for my fans 'cause through it all they showed me love
To my sister and two brothers
Tell me why can't we just try to get along with one another
Instead of hurtin' one another, fightin' one another
Man, I pray to God He get my family back together
Let me see what I wanna see, just to blind me
All of these luxuries, wine and dine me
And then you push me out in front to get behind me
Then you set me up by blessin' me to bind me
I'm a grown man with kids now, stakes are higher
Gotta go to church now to avoid the fire
Frankly, y'all to keep it real I'm just tired
Have dreams of bein' dead, but the devil is alive

(Fo' real though) Church folks, you need to stop judgin'
(Fo' real though) Or you will be the first to be judged
(Fo' real though) And women stop dependin' on us men
(Fo' real though) And start dependin' on the Man above, feel me

And as for Robert, here's what I need to do
Get rid of dem' clowns and get myself a whole 'nother crew
Media, do your job
But please just don't make my job so hard
Somebody please pray on what I'm talkin' 'bout
I'm still young tryin' to figure it all out

Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me (Shower down on me now), wet me with your love
I need you to take me (please) and lift me up, yeah, yeah,
(Said I'm callin' on heaven)

Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
(Embrace me)
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me, wet me with your love
I need you to take me and lift me up (Lift me up), yeah,yeah,(Heaven I need)


God gave us a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time.


10 Commandments of Being a Teenager:
1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking.

Whats the F***ing Difference?..LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' "
I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"


10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]


Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me


.....vinnie kerich undersigned.............. Expect for more and a lot of this.............. what do you think.......!!!!!!