vinnieville space: Amazing Jokes....Its Vinnieville Park....
VINNIEVILLE
...what’s the deal yo… what’s goin’ down yo.... This space is one of its kind; you may hola ur boy...wa nguvu... and all ma buddies through here....yeah!!!! You may also post any thing new, unique, interesting....!!!!!! vinnie kerich forever Kumbuka keep it Real!!!!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Amazing Jokes....Its Vinnieville Park....
The Best Humor Quotes...VINNIEVILLE 4G......
Laughter is a real tonic . . . to laugh literally lifts the spirits . . . many things make me laugh . . . I have laughed so hard that I have been in tears and thought I could laugh no more and then been taken beyond . . . you’ve heard of the phrase “wet yourself with laughter” . . . I’ll say no more! :wink: I find all sorts of things amusing . . . usually those things that I don’t see coming, rather than a joke with an obvious punchline . . . perhaps a comment that can be taken in a way that it was not originally intended . . . and I love comedy films. I often find that something tickles me so much I am giggling away for hours about the same thing! I think it is something to do with having a good imagination! Keep smiling...Vinnie kerich
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Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here??? -
The Guys Rules.....
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. -
Some things are Way more important than anything else.
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home. - There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
-
KenyaPoly Student on Hell Issue
The following is an actual question given on a Kenya Poly University College, Aeronautical engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A. - Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
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15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night. - When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
- I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir,
but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.
*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
*Hi. Now YOU say something.
*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.
*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
- So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face"
Always Keep UR Condoms in the car..
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.Heaven I Need a Hug Lyrics - R Kelly
Dear mama, you wouldn't believe what I'm goin' through
But still I got my head up just like I promised you
Ever since you left your baby boy's been dealin with
problem after problem, tell me what am I supposed to do
See, I get lost sometimes, don't understand this place
Look in the mirror sometimes and see a troubled face
And then my tears roll down and hit the sink
Then I hold my head up high, I hope the Man upstairs can hear my cry
All these questions deep inside my mind
Like, if Jesus loved me, why'd he leave my side, mama
I'm still tryin to get the answer why
You were young, 45, and you had to die
I'm always tryin' to help people out
And it's them same people tryin' to take food out my mouth
(Fo' real though) It seems like the more money I make
(Fo' real though) The more drama y'all try to create
(Fo' real though) The more I try to move into the positive
(Fo' real though) The more y'all don't wanna let me live
When will you realize that I don't owe you nothin'
Need to get up off your butt and go get your own somethin'
I'm pullin on my hair to keep from snappin' off
Who's right up in my camp and be yappin' off
Somebody out there please pray what I'm talkin' 'bout
Still young tryin' to figure it out
Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me, wet me with your love
I need you to take me and lift me up, oh yeah
I gave thirteen years of my life to this industry
Hit song or not, I've given all of me
You smile in my face and tell me that you love
But then before you know the truth, you're so quick to judge me
That's alright, go ahead, keep talkin'
Cause, cause I'mma hold my head up high and keep walkin
And reach for the sky, focus on the plan
Rescue the ghetto with this paper and pen
And this is for the homies that we lost
Yo', we cannot forget y'all, so the hats come off
We pour a little liquor out for the memory
I know y'all up there sittin' on chrome in them pearly streets
The street survivors, be careful, stay alive
I'm prayin' for your families, I hope you pray for mine
(Fo' real though) Used to be a time you wished me well
(Fo' real though) It hurts to know you wanna see me fail
(Fo' real though) And don't forget I kept you out of jail
(Fo' real though) Where was my arms when you needed to be held
They turn they backs on you, who was they're believin'
Who said your troubles were only for a season
In church together tryin' to pick up all the pieces
And now you betray me, I bind you in the name of Jesus
somebody please pray on what I'm talkin' 'bout
Still young tryin' to figure it all out
Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
(Please shower down)
So shower down on me, wet me with your love (Yeah)
I need you to take me and lift me up, (Oh...oh...yeah,yeah,yeah)
Man I tell you it's enough to make you wanna give it up
Thank God for my fans 'cause through it all they showed me love
To my sister and two brothers
Tell me why can't we just try to get along with one another
Instead of hurtin' one another, fightin' one another
Man, I pray to God He get my family back together
Let me see what I wanna see, just to blind me
All of these luxuries, wine and dine me
And then you push me out in front to get behind me
Then you set me up by blessin' me to bind me
I'm a grown man with kids now, stakes are higher
Gotta go to church now to avoid the fire
Frankly, y'all to keep it real I'm just tired
Have dreams of bein' dead, but the devil is alive
(Fo' real though) Church folks, you need to stop judgin'
(Fo' real though) Or you will be the first to be judged
(Fo' real though) And women stop dependin' on us men
(Fo' real though) And start dependin' on the Man above, feel me
And as for Robert, here's what I need to do
Get rid of dem' clowns and get myself a whole 'nother crew
Media, do your job
But please just don't make my job so hard
Somebody please pray on what I'm talkin' 'bout
I'm still young tryin' to figure it all out
Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me (Shower down on me now), wet me with your love
I need you to take me (please) and lift me up, yeah, yeah,
(Said I'm callin' on heaven)
Heaven, I need a hug
Is there anybody out there willin' to embrace a thug
(Embrace me)
Feelin' like a change of heart
And all I really need is a sign or a word from God
So shower down on me, wet me with your love
I need you to take me and lift me up (Lift me up), yeah,yeah,(Heaven I need)
- God gave us a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time.
10 Commandments of Being a Teenager:
1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)- A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking. Whats the F***ing Difference?..LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' "
I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me
LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH
.....vinnie kerich undersigned.............. Expect for more and a lot of this.............. what do you think.......!!!!!!
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