- The important thing is not winning, it's making everyone else lose.
- u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!
- "An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and Announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bi***." - Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
- "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
- Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.
- Ever noticed how all women's problems begin with men?
MENtal illness....MENstrual cramps... MENtal breakdown... MENopause... GUYnocologist ! - There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.
- Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall. - HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV - HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. - How To Annoy People On An Airplane
1. Act like a movie star.
2. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna. (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question.)
3. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).
4. Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
5. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
6. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
7. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
8. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra.
9. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.
10. Call the stewardess "nurse".
11. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
12. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
13. Disco dance in the aisle.
14. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face.
15. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone.
16. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die.
17. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
18. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
19. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.
20. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
21. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
22. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
23. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
24. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
25. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
26. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.
27. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
28. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends.
29. Moon passing Delta planes.
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
31. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
32. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
33. Pretend you're flying the plane.
34. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
35. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning. - 30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a
LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reasons we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe
us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet
Boys, NSYNC,98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go
pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right,
doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for
you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,
cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyways
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're
done you should put it up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was.
That doesn't turn us on.
27. And remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.. and maybe..oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be
that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not
always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway. - Life is like a d***
when it gets hard
F*** IT! - If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.
- it goes in dry,
it comes out wet,
the longer its in,
the better it gets,
when it comes out,
it drips and sags,
............................
U R NASTY ......stop thinking .........
it's a tea bag! - To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big
as it needs to be. - 18 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter (i.e. You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1) Get the copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
2) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3) Bring cheerleaders.
4) Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
5) On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
6) Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
7) Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
8) Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
9) Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
10) Turn in the eam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
11) Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks you why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
12) Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
13) Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
14) From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
15) One word: Wrestlemania.
16) Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
17) Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc . . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
18) Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the secion on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so.". - WhEn A mAn TaLkS dIrTy To A wOmAn, ItS sExUaL hArAsSmEnT, wHeN a WoMaN tAlKs DiRtY tO a MaN, iT's $3.95 PeR mInUtE
...what’s the deal yo… what’s goin’ down yo.... This space is one of its kind; you may hola ur boy...wa nguvu... and all ma buddies through here....yeah!!!! You may also post any thing new, unique, interesting....!!!!!! vinnie kerich forever Kumbuka keep it Real!!!!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Just alot more of the Vinnieville Jokes...!!
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